Blue Jays & (Not So) Deep Thoughts No. 3

A friend and I were reminiscing the other day about old Saturday Night Live sketches. Eventually, the conversation came to Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Man, those were good. Anyway, they have inspired me to collect a list of (Not So) Deep Thoughts regarding the Toronto Blue Jays. Some are good, some are funny, most are neither. Here we go:

*Could it be possible that Jose Bautista is right and Melky Cabrera is NOT returning to the Blue Jays?! Will there actually be no Melky in the Blue Jays’ fridge in 2015?! But, but…Melky says he want to return. Alex Anthopoulos says he wants Melky to return.

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Everything seems aligned, but Joey Bats drops this on us? WTF, Jose?! Is he the only one being honest? Is he trying to suggest maybe Melky SHOULDN’T re-sign? What’s his game? Why is he trying to ruin something so beautiful? Wait, is this because he saw little kids coming to the ballpark with little painted on Melky chin straps instead of Bautsita beards? Is that what this is about? With all of the stories we’ve been told over the last few years and their inherent contradictions, it is hard to know what to believe.

* Speaking of which…what happened to this 5 year policy?! AA is now saying that it is a firm policy. First it was a policy, then it is a guideline, now it is back to a policy. Can they make up their minds?! Either way, AA swears it is not and will not be a hindrance in the club’s attempt to re-sign Melky or any other free agent. Really, if everything else were equal (which I’m sure it isn’t) and the ONLY issue were the 5 year deal, you don’t think it is the problem? Granted, there are other reasons why free agents don’t want to come to Toronto: taxes, exchange rate, it is a “foreign” country, and probably the most significant, the team floats around in limbo; not totally terrible, but not contending. All of these things combined with a stubborn GM/ ownership group who refuse to spend money or years is what keeps free agents away.

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* Does anyone else feel bad for Colby Rasmus? He’s coming into a free agency year and he has not been given the last month to pad his numbers or anything. There must be some really bad blood behind this. I mean, in the last game of the season, John Gibbons tried to get everyone into the game…EXCEPT Colby. Heck, even Juan Francisco replaced Edwin Encarnacion, as pinch runner for goodness sake! Gibby and Colby must have had some choice words behind closed doors. Too bad it was behind closed doors. That conversation would have been entertaining. Imagine trying to understand what they were actually saying to each other! The conversation would have needed subtitles.

*Buck Martinez and Pat Tabler will be back for another 5 years to broadcast Blue Jays games on the telly for Rogers Sportsnet. Let’s leave aside the 5 more years of that stuff. This got me thinking. I wonder if Buck puts on his hair like Darth Vader puts on his helmet. Does he sit in his dressing chamber before each broadcast?  Does his hair get lowered down on his head in a cloud of smoke? I wonder if Pat has ever walked in on him during this process. Aaawkwaaaaard! But, this would explain a lot. It certainly would explain the whole contract thing. It was a Jedi mind trick. Buck: “You will give me…uh…us a 5 year contract” Rogers: “We will give you a 5 year contract”.