Blue Jays & (Not So) Deep Thoughts No.2


Feb 14, 2014; Lakeland, FL, USA; A baseball lies on the grass during the Detroit Tiger

A friend and I were reminiscing the other day about old Saturday Night Live sketches. Eventually, the conversation came to Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Man, those were good. Anyway, they have inspired me to collect a list of (Not So) Deep Thoughts regarding the Toronto Blue Jays. Some are good, some are funny, most are neither. Here we go:

*Dalton Pompey made his first start in left field on Friday night against the Yankees. Pompey was really excited to make it to first so he could steal a moment with the legend, Derek Jeter. And, the two did end up crossing paths after Pompey collected his first MLB hit.

I wonder what Jeter said to him. Something CLASSY, I’m sure. “Nice job. Only 3454 more to catch up, son.” No. Jeter would be more humble than that. “Hey kid, welcome to The Show. Do you have any grey poupon?” Yeah, that’s it. Classy.

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*I play slow pitch, beer league ball. I am not a professional athlete. The most work out I have ever received is running for the last beverage in the cooler. I don’t dive. I tried it once and looked like a fish out of water, flopping around. I’m pretty sure there was a really large divot left. I run at a good 4-5 km/hr. The average human runs at 8 km/hr. My fastball, if I threw one, MIGHT reach as high as 5o mph. I am exaggerating (maybe) all of this to emphasize a point. I am out of shape. I’m aging. I do not work out on a regular basis. Yet, why is it that I do not end up on the disabled list?

I have never had an oblique strain. I’m pretty sure the area around my obliques are…less than strong. What’s up with that, Brett Lawrie? Brandon Morrow? I have been in a couple car accidents, so my back is really wonky. But, I can’t fathom how Adam Lind has missed so much time with a bad back. From what? Bending over at first? And, Brett Cecil, I NEVER go anywhere a blender without unplugging it first. And, I certainly don’t go jamming my hand inside the thing.

*I had a dream the other night….I heard voices calling for help. It was coming from a window at the top of a really tall tower. I ran to help. The tower was being guarded by two slightly chubby dudes. I couldn’t make out their faces. One spoke like Boomhauer from King of the Hill* and the other was on his phone. They were fairly easy to get passed. I just pretended I was a free agent for the phone guy and he ignored me.

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  • The other guy, I wrote a message on a white board and he flew into a rage. As I made my way up the never ending stairs I saw framed pictures of really young guys. They looked to be really fast. Their pictures had pot lights shining on them. These guys seemed well loved.

    As I approached the room at the top of the tower, the voices were weak, but I could hear them. The door to the room was quite heavy. It was made of the letter K. Millions of them. As I struggled to push the door open, I saw two men hanging on the wall in chains and cuffs. I ran over to them. “Who are you”, I asked. In soft, scratchy voices, one said “I’m Colby…” the other “I’m Juan”. I woke up.

    *Just for reference:

    *And, finally, with 13 weeks left until Christmas, do you wonder what to get the Blue Jays fan in your life to commemorate this season. Here’s a list to get the ball rolling:

    -a container of band aids signed by all of the injured players
    -used lottery tickets to remember the missed opportunities
    -a broom with a picture of the Oakland A’s and Boston Red Sox to remember the sweeps way back when . Then pull out a vacuum with a picture of the Orioles to point out how useless the sweeping was.
    -a tin can phone with the string only attached to one can with the label “Line to Free Agents” on it.
    -a lock of Colby Rasmus‘ goatee-k.

    Feel free to add some of your own gift ideas below.